The Adventures of Fat Ass and Chimpy, Part 8: The Lopsided Leopard

I’ve settled into a nice routine with Dr. Fat Ass and Chimpy; right at the point when Chimpy’s workouts have my body needing a little tweak and twist, it’s time for my next appointment at Dr. Fat Ass’s office. He always knows just what to do to set me quite literally straight again. I leave there feeling more balanced and ready to take on the day.

The thing is, despite Fat Ass’s best efforts, I haven’t felt very balanced lately. It’s not his fault; this unevenness has nothing to do with my physical alignment. It’s all in my head.

I’m noticing a trend here – things being all in my head…

It’s been a rough couple of months, first losing my grandmother, then my grandfather a couple of weeks ago. Even without those two losses, I’m still working through some other stuff that would take more time than I care to require of you to go over.

Let’s just say that I’m feeling a bit lopsided.

My latest workout with Chimpy was a prime example of the mental seesaw I’m straddling these days. I arrived feeling…blah. Not really looking forward to my workout, but not depressed enough to skip it. As soon as I started my warmup, however, I felt great. So glad I came. I was going to conquer everything and take no prisoners. Hoo-rah.

Then these three girls walked in and I felt like I was in high school and they were the pretty, skinny, popular girls and I was the ugly, fat, nerdy girl.

Shaken, I told Chimpy about it. He told me to shut up and stop being crazy (we can talk to each other like that now because we’re besties). That they were perfectly nice girls and I needed to get out of my own head.

How did he know I was in my own head?!

I shook that off and did some amazing dead lifts.

Then I did some more dead lifts and convinced myself I was weak and was doing them wrong and would inevitably collapse onto the floor like a bunch. Of. Broccoli.

Then Chimpy taught me an entirely new move which I recognized as this because people do it all the time where Chimpy and I train. Except I didn’t do it like the guy in the video, I did it like this:

Except Chimpy says I did just fine. And to once again get the eff out of my own head.

Then I got really mad and I almost cried, because that’s what I want to do when the thoughts in my head don’t match up with the rest of the world.

But I didn’t cry. Instead, I did this:

My first session, I couldn’t even lift my hand when I was up on my toes, let alone crawl 15 yards across the floor. I’m not sure how it even happened. One minute I was certain The Plastics were silently judging my choice in brightly-colored plus-sized athletic wear, the next I’m tearing up the turf like a freakin’ beast.

Oh, and if you have any opinions about the size of my ass in the video, keep them to yourself – unless you are, in fact, Ready for this Jelly, in which case I welcome the feedback.

P.S. The Plastics were actually perfectly nice people. Advantage Chimpy.