Conquering the world really takes it out of you.
I’ve wanted nothing more than to be lazy and eat all the food this weekend. And I have been doing both of those things. Seriously, people. I went to Taco Bell for crying out loud – and by the way, the new Grilled Stuft Nacho sucks. And why do they spell it like “stuft”? Because their food is not quite real so now their words have to be not quite real to match?
I’m a bit worried that my old chum Self-Sabotage is paying me a visit. I’ve been doing just a little too well with all this amazingness with Fat Ass and Chimpy, and historically speaking, this is when it typically all goes to hell. All my therapy books say I do this because I’m afraid of success because I could never be perfect enough. Which makes no damn sense, because wouldn’t being successful be perfect?
Sorry. I’m kinda mad (at myself). And confused (in general).
I shared my inner conflict with both Dr. Fat Ass and Chimpy this week. In Dr. Fat Ass’s office, I told him how I’m scared that my back has been doing too well for too long; that I feel like the other shoe is going to inevitably drop at any moment and I’m going to get hurt and all of this will have been for nothing. That I’m using muscles I haven’t used in a really long time, and my glute muscles aren’t strong enough and so my back is compensating and that scares me because what if they overcompensate just a little too much and then woop there goes my back????
He looked at me like this:
And he kinda laughed, but in a nice way, not a judgy way, because he thinks it’s so silly that I’m finally being aggressive about my health (his words, not mine) and am only now getting freaked out. That I’m finally going 100% in the right direction, seeing nothing but progress, and I’m being a pansy about it (my words, not his).
I left his office that morning feeling straightened out physically, but still kinda crooked in my head – through no fault of Dr. Fat Ass’s, mind you – this is a battle I’ve been fighting since long before I started seeing him. I decided that I needed Chimpy’s opinion on the subject.
I relayed the same concerns to Chimpy later that afternoon, and he looked at me like this:
His reaction was definitely harsher, but only because we were literally in the process of Kicking Ass when I told him all this stuff; it would be like if someone got all the votes in an election and then turned to his advisor and said, “I’m really not sure I’m supposed to win.”
It makes no effing sense, and Chimpy basically said that. He said I have to stop expecting myself to get hurt, and embrace my kickassedness with my whole heart and soul. That if I don’t change my thinking, I’ll make myself get hurt. Which has happened before. Which is why I’m scared I’ll do it again.
So of course I took action by eating all the food and hardly moving all weekend.
Because that makes sense.