5 ways to make sure my desk job doesn’t kill me

A desk job can be murder.

For months I denied that I was getting heavier.  I wore looser shirts, I used an expander on my jeans, and I covered my rolls with cute cardigans.  But the truth is, ever since quitting my moderately active teaching job and taking on a sedentary desk job, well…my ass/hips/thighs/abdomen have been increasing at a slow, albeit exponential, rate.

I could quit my job.  Try to find an occupation that doesn’t require eight-hour-long meetings between my tush and a desk chair.  The problem is, I love my job.  And honestly, how many non-desk jobs are out there?  Right now?  In my area?  With my skill set?
Not bloody many.
After watching this Upworthy video, I was reminded of just how unhealthy having a desk job is.  And I’m not talking about the dangers of break room donuts.  I’m talking about cardiovascular disease.  And saddlebag-tushy fat.  I’m not sure which of those scares me more.
So I’ve come up with some avoiding-being-buried-in-the-ground rules – a way for me to keep the job I love without dying a horrible death due to inactivity.
1.  Group printing is hereby banned.  Gone are the days of printing everything I’ll need all at once, making one trip across the office to grab the stack, and returning to my desk to sort it all out.  From now on, I shall print, retrieve, and return – one blessed document at a time.
2.  Desk dancing is now mandatory.  It’s a well-known fact that I have a 90’s dance party at my desk almost every Friday afternoon.  Well, folks, Salt-n-Pepa will be performing multiple shows a week from now on.  It’s amazing how much work one can do in the midst of downright boogying.
3.  Massive water bottles are prohibited.  I will drink from reasonably-sized vessels, which will in turn force me to walk to the other side of the office for refills, several times a day.
4.  At least one hour a day must be devoted to walking.  Preferably outdoors.  This does not have to be performed in sixty sequential minutes.  A couple laps around the building won’t kill my productivity.  And more importantly, it won’t kill me.
5.  You better work, b***h.  (I love quoting Britney.)  In short, I can’t sit all day at work, sit in the car on the way home from work, and then sit all night when I get home.  The above-mentioned rules have to apply at home, too.